Burger King

You already know what I'm talking about. If you don't, it's because you've spent the past two months homeless, in a third world country, or in a rape dungeon. Or more likely all three. Either way, I still envy you for not having had to listen to this fucking terrible shitty-ass cock-shitting cat-raping bucket of CRAP!

Why couldn't Burger King afford to hire actual musicians? There are musicians out there who are so poor that they'd work for coupons good for a free order of fries when purchased with a burger of equal or greater value. And yet the gigantic corporation decided that was too expensive and went with some random tone-deaf assholes. You get what you pay for, dumbasses!

Even the lyrics are goat menses. For one thing, anyone over the age of eight who uses the word "yummy" permanently revokes their right to respect from their peers. Usage of "tummy" confers a loss of self-respect as well. Finally, the usage of "hoot" as a noun fully justifies waterboarding. And why the hell are these people so damn insistent on pointing out that they use flutes? Is that supposed to be funny? If you're attempting to be funny, then try shoving the flute up your dickhole! (I'm not saying that as a suggestion to make the commercial funnier, by the way, I'm saying that because you really, really deserve a flute up your dickhole.)

The only thing this commercial succeeds at is making Burger King a much more embarrassing place to visit.

Although to be fair, maybe it should be a more embarrassing place to visit.

5-Hour Energy

5-Hour Energy, by Living Essentials, is for pussies. That's what I get out of these lame-ass commercials that promote the product on the basis that it cures "that 2:30 feeling". What the pissing dog shit is "that 2:30 feeling", you ask? I didn't know, so I looked it up:

The commercials seem to imply that the feeling in question refers to sleepiness. But then why call it "that 2:30 feeling"? We already have a word for sleepiness, it's called sleepiness you shitheads! Use that! Or hell, at least make up a word or phrase that doesn't make you sound like you have your collective thumbs up your collective asses. Just imagine if you went to an abortion clinic and they offered to cure "that fat feeling". Would you risk paying for an operation that's no more professional than just jamming a coat hanger up your vagina? That's what 5-Hour Energy is like, jamming a coat hanger up your vagina.

And of all the possible times they could have chosen to associate with sleepiness, they chose the afternoon. What the hell? That's like making a commercial for constipation medicine that says you should take it specifically when you have explosive diarrhea! That's probably how this entire advertising campaign was made. Sleepiness at 2:30, what a load of shit. Here's a better solution for midday sleepiness: over the next month, make a tally of every time you are sleepy and it's not because you just woke up or are up too late. At the end of the month, for every time you were sleepy, kill yourself.