5-Hour Energy

5-Hour Energy, by Living Essentials, is for pussies. That's what I get out of these lame-ass commercials that promote the product on the basis that it cures "that 2:30 feeling". What the pissing dog shit is "that 2:30 feeling", you ask? I didn't know, so I looked it up:

The commercials seem to imply that the feeling in question refers to sleepiness. But then why call it "that 2:30 feeling"? We already have a word for sleepiness, it's called sleepiness you shitheads! Use that! Or hell, at least make up a word or phrase that doesn't make you sound like you have your collective thumbs up your collective asses. Just imagine if you went to an abortion clinic and they offered to cure "that fat feeling". Would you risk paying for an operation that's no more professional than just jamming a coat hanger up your vagina? That's what 5-Hour Energy is like, jamming a coat hanger up your vagina.

And of all the possible times they could have chosen to associate with sleepiness, they chose the afternoon. What the hell? That's like making a commercial for constipation medicine that says you should take it specifically when you have explosive diarrhea! That's probably how this entire advertising campaign was made. Sleepiness at 2:30, what a load of shit. Here's a better solution for midday sleepiness: over the next month, make a tally of every time you are sleepy and it's not because you just woke up or are up too late. At the end of the month, for every time you were sleepy, kill yourself.